Haha, so I started this entry...awhile ago. I don't remember. It was actually a pick-up from another entry I had started before it. Here it is: "So I started this entry back in June or beginning of July, I can’t remember which, but something came up that prevented me from finishing it. I’m trying my best to remember my reflections and thoughts at the time because I really want to share them.
Pause in the Panamanian entries. Those will probably soon be moved to my other blog anyway, if I ever get around to finishing them. It's a shame - such an amazing experience, and I can't even prioritize enough to share with others.
I gave my testimony on Sunday at chapel. It was the first time I had ever shared most of what has truly happened to me, not just a summary of events. It was the first time I really processed how God has steered me, not just waved my hand absentmindedly and said, oh, yes God's working on me. It was the first time that I realized God can use what has already happened in my life to inspire others, not just where am I now and where I'm going. Standing up there in front of 21 people, speaking into a mike that broadcasted to the campground, I wasn't worried about being judged. I wasn't nervous. At one point I caught my breath, but that was because God's glory was hitting me full in the face. I am so thankful for what He's done, and I just want to follow His will. That is what my heart desperately wants, yet my mind and the rest of my sinful nature finds it so easy to turn away. It's a relationship I have to work hard at; honestly that’s an area in which I’m very much lacking. Even since leaving Summershine, I’ve already slacked in doing my devotional time and in my Christ-like attitude. It frustrates me so, constantly falling back into old ways. This summer has taught me a great deal. God blessed the time I spent with him and revealed all (or at least a lot!) of the areas I need to cleanse in my life. That always brings to mind Matthew 23:26: “First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then outside also will be clean.” Through many events but mainly by sending me to Williamsburg instead of to Cannon like I wanted, He showed me how I need to give up taking control and let Him take the reins; He’s revealed my lack of faith. Not to say I don’t have faith, I do, but I need to have absolute faith and trust, even in the little things. Through the ending of a friendship, He’s shown me what happens when I’m not accountable for every single one of my actions. Through the actions of the women on my staff, I’ve learned what true quality time and love in Christ is. He’s shown me that I’ve neglected my relationships and that I need to nurture them to no end, like He does. I’ve seen how prideful I am of my schoolwork and accomplishments, I’ve realized I’ve fooled myself into thinking that my motives are purer than they really are. The list goes on and on, of course, because all of us are full of sin. I’m so excited about letting the Lord wash out every area of me that isn’t pure, but I know it’s going to be…not difficult, but requiring determination. I hope He will teach me through every moment. I didn’t want to share my testimony because I didn’t think I really had one, or had anything significant in my life. However, I knew it was expected that we share so I did, and God made that just the tip of the iceberg. How exciting!! I’m so glad I did and I would love to do it again. I pray that He will continue to teach me and help me reach others through whatever plans He has."
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