I feel like sharing. Exactly what, I'm not sure. But in my major, sharing is strongly encouraged. We take the time to hear what someone is saying and listen to what is happening with them. I heard a senior call it "check-in" once. It's absolutely wonderful.
Then I get outside of that group and I feel like there is no one that wants to listen to me. No one I can talk candidly to, no one that will give me their undivided attention. It's so disconcerting to be telling a story to someone, finish, and wait 5 seconds before they go, "oh! Cool!" when you just told them your dog died.
But God wants to listen! I always forget that, or tell myself that it's not the same. Darn right it isn't the same! God wants to listen to me. He wants me to talk to Him and tell Him about my day and my troubles and He wants to help me through it. How many people do you know that are ready at any time to drop everything and sincerely help you? Why can't we do that for our friends? I know I'm guilty of not wanting to help. I tell myself I have work to do and someone else will work it out. Even though it doesn't seem like it, relationships are top priority in our lives, the one with God being the most important. How often are you willing to turn away from your computer, take the hand of your friend and meet them where they are?
Ok, I pressed Publish and realized that I hadn't actually shared what I originally intended to. Lately, I've been pretty intent on spending time with males. I've been "lonely," I guess you could say. My brother just got engaged, and I just watched a video of a friend from 5th grade proposing to his girlfriend (which was the most touching thing I have ever seen). I want someone to have a conversation with, to joke with, to be stupid with, to go on spontaneous adventures with, to hold, to pursue God with and to spend my life with. I feel like I'm behind everyone and...I don't know, undesirable?
Two summers ago, I had turned my love life over to the Lord, and it was the best thing I have ever done (besides giving Him my heart!). Now, I can't seem to give it back. I still pray for my future husband, but I'm not trusting the Lord. I continuously want control and I want to engineer it all. Obviously, that is not working. I would tell you the typical process that occurs, but I feel awkward and slightly bashful doing that. Lately, I convince myself to think of someone as just a friend, and tell myself that if something is supposed to happen, it will, and don't push too hard. But then I think of something my brother told me - you have to meet God at least halfway. You can't just say, please bring me and my future spouse together and BAM! have it happen. So, I have always been confused in this area - do I pursue and look or not? And if yes, am I pursuing friendship or something else? (I like to say I'd rather do friendship first, but there is no way I can pretend that's true.) Hey, whoah. I can pray about this! Crazy stuff. sigh. :-)
My dad sent me a document with the 101 questions my brother and his fiance went through before they got engaged. His email read, "While marriage may be a ways off in your future, I wanted to share the list of questions [they] went through before their engagement. What a great way to get to really know someone and see what they think on many topics (many of which we probably wouldn't think of). I hope you can keep this on hand and when the right guy comes along (the one that can walk on water :-) maybe these questions and their answers will help your relationship get off to a great start.
Love you. Dad
Even though this isn't what he meant, the one that can walk on water is already here in my heart. I just haven't been giving my all to the relationship, and relationships can't last like that.
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