Attention-seeking behavior.

All week long I've wanted to make a list of every single thing that has gone wrong, starting on Monday. Because there's been a lot. I've wanted to cry, yell, shout, and update my Facebook with angry, frustrated statuses in attempts to garner some reaction. Yet every time I am tempted to write such things in a public place, I think about how irritated I become when I read yet another pitiful, resigned social announcement about the woes of someone's day. The best phrase I felt comfortable subjecting others to on my own profile was "crazy week already."

I knew I could handle my supervisor being gone and that I'd be alright. Deep down, I knew. But not having any other music therapy authority around scared me. My supervisor and I can still email and call (unless her jury gets sequestered when deliberations start), but she wasn't in her office during sessions if I needed her. Just that idea, that concept, resulted in a tight ball in the middle of my stomach which spread to my head and my heart for a few days. I needed - wanted - comfort.

I was also conflicted because self-care is imperative, and bottling these emotions up when publicly sharing them might help would not be healthy. I've been too lazy to write in my journal; I admittedly want some cyber-comfort from 'back home.' In the form of, "It's ok, Kristin." Not other forms of cyber-comfort or cyber-love, thank you.

And you know what? I thought I was finally getting past being lonely up here. I've made a good number of new friends through working with a youth group, both young, my age, and slightly-to-slightly-more-older. Yet I've felt alone this week, I've felt that no one understood how nervous I was, or that no one understood how much I needed someone to just sit with me and say, "It's okay Kristin, it really will be fine. You can do this." But you know what else? I didn't go to anyone. How are people supposed to help me when they don't know I need or want it?

And then every time I was tempted to complain to the world, I kept thinking that only uplifting and encouraging words should be coming out of my mouth. That's somewhere in the bible. I kept thinking, and Daniel reminded me, that God only gives us what we can handle. I kept thinking, He's testing me, and I need to have faith. Because even I knew I wasn't doing very well with that recently. Have faith. Be still and know that I am God. That was really hard this week, and I haven't fully acknowledged that He got me through it without breaking down.

And another thing that I've realized while writing this. No one has responded to my posts and I've been left feeling unfulfilled because I've been putting my needs and desires in the hands of humans, who in no way compare to the love of our Father. He was faithful to me all the time, always present when I turned to him as the tears started to well up, ready to give me that comfort I sought. Yet I didn't trust enough to take it from Him until it was proven, which isn't really trust at all.

I got kind of a slap in the face yesterday. Long story short, yesterday I agreed to lend/rent my car to a coworker who lives about 45 minutes away for about a day and a half. I wasn't completely comfortable with it, but knew that if I were in her situation, I would need help and would want someone to have faith in me. So I trusted that my car would come back to me alright, and I live close enough to work to walk anyway. About 3 hours later, she returns my key to me and says she was able to get a car from the dealership with no additional rental charges. I trusted, and it worked out better than I thought it would. God knows I need things spelled out.

In summary, even though I feel like there are thousands of words in my fingers still left to type, I was always going to be fine without my supervisor if I had faith in God and in the gifts he has given me. And my emotional state would have been a lot better.